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Matto
Newbie
Posts: 2
Registered: 10-05-2008 Location:
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posted on 10-05-2008 at 16:18 |
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yet another 23 year old male virgin, seeking guidance
Okay, so, I'm 23...will be going on 24 here in a month. And It's kind of distressing to me that I haven't done the deed. Had that right of passage that so many seek. I wish I could say I'm comforted by the fact that so many on this forum are in the same boat...but really...it doesn't do much in the way of easing my self doubt. Plus it makes it all the harder when I'm around others who talk about sex jokingly and look to me for conformation of their joke. Like, okay, I work out 5 times a week. And I don't really like to talk about myself cuzz it sounds like I'm boasting. But I'm told by many online that I'm a well built attractive male. People usually like to make jokes that I work out not to get exercise but to get some tail. Which I usually just laugh and nod, even though in my mind I'm shaking my head in shame.
But enough of that, i'll start with my past. Growing up I've always been an introvert. My passion is in the arts. I love to draw. And thats what I'm going to school for. I was always the quiet kid who never said much and was always doodling on his notes. I had my friends, albeit we were never the popular crowd. I was always picked on up until about my sophomore year of high school. Never fought back. Just took it, and all my anger turned inward. Which turned to grief and eventually self doubt and a lack of confidence. Even got made fun of by the opposite sex.
The only reason I started getting respect at all was because I had started working out my freshman year. Decided since I wasn't the confrontational type, I'd build my body up, as a way of warding off people. It worked none the less. I thought it'd give me more self confidence too. But it didn't. I retained my old ways. And just kept living life until now after 4 failed attempts at dating I've realized how pathetic I really am.
I just don't have the confidence to be intimate. I've gotten so used to holding my emotions inward to avoid ridicule that now, whenever I find a girl I'm attracted to...all that I can think of is how I'd fail at all the things that make a person a boyfriend. Holding hands, kissing, intimacy, all that wonderful stuff. It all seems like some kind of dream that I can't grasp hold of. And of the times that I did try dating, it lasted less than a week because of my inhibitions and fears.
I've seen a psychologist, and I'll probably see one again soon if I can't get over this fear thats so deeply ingrained into my subconscious. It's no longer something i even think about, it's just a habit. I even have trouble asking questions of my superiors, because I'm afraid of ridicule.
I know why I'm like this. I know what caused all this...but its so hard to change.
And I really want a relationship with a girl...but I just don't know where to start.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
anything will do.
:(
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Tranquillity
Newbie
Posts: 2
Registered: 10-08-2008 Location:
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posted on 10-08-2008 at 20:52 |
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relationships
Hi Matto...
I'm also an artist (currently finishing up my art education). All I can say is that when it comes to relationships they usually happen when you aren't actively looking for them, because you can be totally yourself with other people and be unaware of it. I guess if you want to "step up your game" you can work on making yourself more likeable to the kinds of girls you want...girls you meet every day at school or work, friends (if you aren't averse to forming relationships with friends) or acquaintances. Just hang out with them and show that you have a good sense of humor and are great to get along with, forget the self consciousness (I know that's tough, i have my own issues about confidence and social phobia, therapy is good for that) by finding something you are comfortable with or some common ground...Neutral ground is important here and I think meeting and getting to know girls in a place you're totally comfortable with is important, itll show in your manner and body language that you are being yourself.
Hope that makes sense, and good luck :)
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bigblue88
Junior Member
Posts: 11
Registered: 09-23-2008 Location:
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posted on 10-15-2008 at 09:12 |
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To Matto
I know how you feel about being so introverted and insecure. It is hard to open up when you have been cut off for so long.
First, don't think about all of the ways that you might fail her. Instead, think of all the ways you could make her happy. You have a lot to offer any woman, just give yourself the opportunity to do so.
One dating trick I have read about is to tell your date if you are afraid of something, in your case maybe that you are afraid to talk to girls. This makes you more human in her eyes and explains why you act that way. If she is turned off, it is her problem and good riddance.
Once you have gotten a girl interested, take things slow. Set small goals for yourself like "I am going to give her a hug by the end of the night." Small goals like holding hands, a kiss on the cheek, hugging, snuggling are much more manageable and easier to acheive than sex.
Hope this helps and good luck!
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